I went to the Cameo tonight to see the French film 'Look at me' or 'Comme une Image'.
The film made me want to have a French existential crisis - i.e. smoking too many cigarettes, looking slightly distant, but still remaining incredibly handsome or beautiful whilst all the time having a gorgeous bourgeois apartment. In the cinema, this atmosphere was helped by the smell of red wine wafting around but not by the two ignorant women behind me who decided to have a conversation about coats or something and the unknown person in front of me who kept rustling their bloody pack of Revels. In my pretentious angst I wanted to scream 'we're watching art' but of course I didn't. Actually the film was quite good, all about an arrogant self-centred writer and his ignored daughter who only wants him to notice her. One scene that stayed with me was when the daughter, Lolita, watched the boy she fancied kiss another girl. Oh yeah, I know that scenario - I squirmed in my seat as I thought of my feelings for my most recent straight man obsession and then for the rest of film I actually did descend into an existential crisis - but without a musical soundtrack or subtitles. They make it look so easy in those films! Anyway, I walked back along Princes Street having my crisis but enjoying the cold and the Christmas lights.
I went through the German market and went to watch the ice-skaters swirl around the rink. I watched people go round in the same direction, except for one girl who went in the opposite direction -obviously not understanding the concept of safety. Occasionally a woman would whoop whoop at the thrill of her feet moving faster than her brain would allow (I want to write something more rude here but in the interests of Christmas I won't) which made me and the other spectators giggle. Just as my existential crisis was leaving me and just as I was beginning to enjoy it I realised I was surrounded by couples, women resting their heads on their boyfriends' shoulders or clutching each other tight as if they too were on ice skates.
This made me feel lonely(and after accepting the feeling) I thought of all those people that love and like me and that one day I too would have a man I could draw closer too or have him come up behind me and wrap his arms around my back as we kept on skating. I thought to myself that this may not happen this year or even next but eventually it will. Then I remembered my fear of falling over on the ice and someone skating over my fingers, but I guess that's the risk you just have to take.